There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
