Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
MIDGETS
????
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
