I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
