I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
