Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
