So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
