So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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