he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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