i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
