Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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