I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
