Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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