seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
