The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
