i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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