dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just high enough for therapy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i think i just lost a toe
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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