How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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