The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
