my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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