I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
