Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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