Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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