Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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