This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
