He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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