Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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