he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
