I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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