your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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