I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
