you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
