Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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