Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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