I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
