i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
they're like a gay fantastic four
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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