I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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