I wish my penis had an off switch
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
