dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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