end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
