I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
