Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
