Your dad touched me again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Randomize
