Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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