Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
