I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
