The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
