well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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