Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
