Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
