So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
