Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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