god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
