my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
