I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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