if you like me you must not know who I am
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
