after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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