Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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