I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize