We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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