My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
