maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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